OMG

September 14, 2022

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Last night I had the most incredible realization, I feel compelled to share.

I got back to the house after I took some time for myself last night, driving around, getting grounded, and relaxing. I arrived pretty late, so I anticipated everyone would be in bed. My mom was up and greated me with obvious tension. I didnt understand why, but I wasn't ready to engage. I went to get a water and a salad, when I finished, I went in and washed the dishes. As I was getting ready to go up to my room, she stopped me and asked what she did wrong and why I was upset with her. After I explained that I wasn't upset and that I just needed some time to myself, time to get grounded, she still seemed upset.

This is when I asked her what story she was telling herself. Explaining that I didn't express anger or unhappiness around or to her. She said it must have just been a feeling that she was having. My learning kicked in and I told her that if she wanted to discuss how she was feeling, I would hold space for her. Also knowing in my mind "that's her shit, not mine." Not judging but also realizing that her feelings had nothing to do with me, it was a feeling she had based on a trigger.

It was at this point, that I recognized a major similarity in that situation and situations that had arose between me and my partner. It was a facepalm moment. OMG!!! I had became my mother! I treated her the same way. She would need a little space to recharge, get grounded, connect with friends to nurture relationships and have time to herself. I made it all about me, how it affected me, the insecurities, and fears and made her feel like this wasn't okay. That if next time she needed that, I would make it difficult or unpleasant, which would then prevent her from feeling free to take care of herself. What a fool I had been.

The behavior was learned from my mother and I just repeated what I experienced. This is not an excuse, just acknowledging the origin of the behavior.

I can see clearly how that could make someone feel, as I was fully aware of how I felt in the moment.

In life and in relationships we must respect others and their needs to take care of themselves. Recharging and grounding ourselves allows us to come back to the relationship complete and able to show up in a healthy way. My attachment style had previously made it difficult for my partner to take care of herself without consequences. Consequences that should have never existed.

Luckily, I was able to experience what I did last night, respond in a caring way, and recognize unhealthy patterns.

It was a moment of clarity as well as an opportunity to practice what I have been learning.

Last night I felt ashamed of the way the I would show up in situations like that with my partner. This morning I see it more clearly and appreciate the growth opportunity.

I know that now and in the future I will show up differently, have more understanding and appreciate the needs of those that I care about. Most importantly, I will trust that my partner is doing what is best for her and the relationship. It was never about me, it was about her and us.

Be the person that supports your partner in every way. You have forever to be together, allowing a little time for yourselves to take care of your needs is critical. When you come back to each other you will be recharged, energized, connected, have missed each other and able to be fully present with each other.