How to Build a Strong and Supportive Relationship by Validating Your Partner: Climbing Life's Mountains Together
- Lobo
- Jan 22, 2024
- 5 min read
As life has been moving forward, there have been many struggles. During each struggle I have been realizing that I have so much more to learn and so many areas to grow. Just when I think I have it all figured out, life throws me a gnarly curve ball. This is when I realize I don’t have anything figured out and what I thought I knew doesn’t apply to each and every situation.
I guess that is really where the growth begins, in discovery of areas that need work and improvement. Let explain what has been going on that prompted this post. Let me start by saying I am analytical; I function off of data and often try to just talk things through based on facts and not feelings. Feelings are kind of a new thing to me and often they make me uncomfortable.
I thought that I knew what my partner meant when she would say that she needs me to validate her feelings. First, I fought with the idea because I felt that validating her feelings meant that I agreed with them or why she had them. I didn’t want to agree with her by confirming that her feelings were true or correct (yes, that is a very dictionary understanding of validation). That was my first mistake. Second, I thought that validating her meant that I would tell her that I understand how something made her feel and apologize for my part in making her feel that way. That was my second mistake. My third mistake was thinking that my partner also had it all figured out and that I should learn from her example. News flash…. She fucks up too!!! So don’t always look to your partner for an example of how they would like to be treated.
So, what did I do about it? I learned that validation is not the act of agreeing with someone, telling them you understand and apologizing. Validation is something that someone wants to feel. That’s it, plain and simple!!! I can tell her all day long that I understand how that made her feel, but that doesn’t mean anything. What I have learned is that validation is when you can see it from their side, put yourself in their shoes and actually understand what they are feeling. This is where a heartfelt apology comes from, this is where understanding is born and this is what your partner needs. I may not agree with why she is feeling what she is feeling, it may have all stemmed from a misunderstanding, but she feels what she feels and that one simple reason is why I need to be understanding. There have been many times that I have failed to validate her simply because I don’t understand why she feels the way she is feeling, or if I am being honest… sometimes I think the reason is bullshit. I know, that was mean, but who hasn’t thought that when they don’t understand or can’t fathom why their person would feel the way they do.
Doing this has taken a monumental effort on my part to ignore what I am feeling, step into her shoes and see the situation from the other point of view. Now, I would be lying if I said that I could understand why she feels the way she feels all the time. Women are confusing as hell and don’t even get me started on hormonal stuff. This being said, I feel like I have been doing a really good job as I work to understand her. I still fail (a lot) but I am trying to learn and grow, all while navigating the good, bad and the ugly of a relationship.
Great, step one is complete… I have learned what I need to work on. Believe me, this is not the only area I need to work on, but you can’t get to the top of a mountain without taking a lot of steps. Sometimes you will slip, you may fall, and you may slide backwards, but you keep trying to move forward, and with each step gets you closer to your goal.
Step two is the growth. This is the hardest but the most rewarding part. I have already written about what I needed to learn to be able to grow, but the implementation is the most difficult part. The first thing I needed to let go of, was the expectation that my partner would consistently show up for me in the same way she needs me to show up for her. Remember the earlier News Flash? Well, she struggles in the same way that I do. She does not have it down perfectly and she fails too. Believe it or not, she is not perfect, even though I have put her on a pedestal as if she made no mistakes. Doing this is unfair to her because it doesn’t give her space to fuck up, as she is held to a higher standard. She is still climbing the same mountain as I am. There are times that she slips, falls, and slides down a bit. We both have to learn to accept each other completely, fuck ups and all. Another thing to never forget is that we are both trying, all the time, and when we fail, it is not because we don’t want to be perfect for each other… it is because we are both works in progress and we always will be.
The second thing I feel is a MUST, is to constantly try to see things from her point of view. It is not enough to just tell her the words that sound like validation. I cannot learn what she needs if I don’t understand what she needs. I have been working on this, but can always do better. The key to providing her with what she is needing, is understanding how she is feeling and the reasons behind the feeling. This is difficult because to do this, I must set aside the feelings that I am having and my needs. However, if I fail to do this then she cannot provide me with what I need in that moment. Of course, this goes both ways but this is about me and the growth I need to do.
Together we can learn, together we can grow and together we can be better. There is nothing that feels better to her than when I get it right, and if I am being honest… it feels amazing to me as well. I wish it happened more often than it does, but the more I practice then more I will succeed. Together we can climb that mountain and help each other along the way.