Getting through an upset

October 19, 2022

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Getting through an upset starts with you. It doesn’t matter what the upset is, what it begins with or what it has turned into, it starts with you.

Something small and ridiculous will turn into something big when we don’t take a second to check-in with ourselves, taking inventory of where we are at when the upset (or better before the upset) occurs. Being busy in our lives, preoccupied, working, playing, whatever it may be, is not more important than checking in with yourself. Maybe there is something that has you irritable, upset, or just on edge. Well, I can guarantee that if that is the case and you ignore that, it will come up in your relationship, it will turn a small issue into a larger issue and it will be harder to overcome than if you just addressed that feeling within yourself before it breaks loose and wreaks havoc on your relationship. The saying, “we always hurt the ones we love” is so true. They are the unfortunate recipient of your anger, displeasure, stress, fear, frustration and bad attitude, even though they are probable not the cause at all.

As usual, I did not realize how valuable this lesson is until I wasn’t aware that I was missing this step.

Recently, I have been under a tremendous amount of stress. I have been preparing for a big trip, nervous about missing any details, packing, travelling, and feeling stress from doing it all by myself. While at the same time balancing work, inner-work, taking care of the dogs, 2 houses, client needs, etc. This stress was building and causing me to feel something that I couldn’t place, so I ignored it. I went about my day, keeping my head above water (barely) and tackling each thing as it came up. Due to the fact that I didn’t take a moment to sit with myself, check-in with myself to understand my feelings, I was a ticking time bomb. This is a step that cannot be overlooked for the health of yourself and that of your relationship. The person that will set off this ticking time bomb is not the waiter at the restaurant, the beach vendor, the gas station attendant, or any other trivial people in your life. It will be set off by your partner, your beloved, the one person that is there for you and supports you.

This is not fair to anyone involved and can easily be prevented when you realize that IT ALL STARTS WITH YOU.

When thing get to the point where you find yourself having a feeling that you can’t place, or a feeling that is not genuine… STOP… sit with yourself for a moment and take inventory of what you are feeling, understand where it is coming from and address that. Once that is done, then start a dialogue with your partner where you express what you are feeling so they can understand where you are at. They will appreciate knowing what situation they are walking into and better, they will know how they can support you.

Now, that all sounds well and good, but what happens when you don’t realize it until the bomb has exploded, feelings are hurt, frustrations come out and the issue turns into a nasty argument? Have no fear… I have the answer to that as well.

Again… STOP! Then start a different conversation. Drop the bullshit that has come up since the initial “issue” because it is all just a byproduct of feelings and emotions causing reactions. Remember, reactions are bad… responses are good 😉

Once you have both just stopped, you can swallow your pride, push your ego aside and start a conversation that maybe sounds somethings like this:

“Can we just sit for a moment as this is very important and needs to be addressed? I would like to instigate this conversation by expressing my truth in the situation and I will hold space for you to express your truth.”

“I would like to express to you what I could have done better. Let me express to you what I really meant. And let me express to you what I really needed. I would also like you to do the same.”

This will take you both putting in the effort and getting out of your attachment style, but I think we can all agree, it is worth it even if it is uncomfortable at first.

You will feel emotional, probably regretful and remorseful, and in this conversation, you will also have some realizations.

In our relationship, the truth of the matter is, we both want to grow together, we want to see each other, and we are both open to really hear each other. Most of all, we both always want to rectify the situation if/when one arises. Almost always, these upsets are pointless and fruitless however, they arise because ultimately, we were not connected at the time. The most recent upset that my partner and I experienced was just that. She has been away on holiday; we haven’t seen each other in almost a week, she has been occupied and I have been stressed. Thus, feelings crept in where they didn’t belong. In our case, she didn’t feel heard and I didn’t feel appreciated. We had been missing our quality time together and this has caused us both to be a little on edge (back to the ticking time bombs).

What this really boils down to is, it all starts with yourself. If we are feeling something, then we need to assume and take responsibility for those feelings. As a man, it is imperative that I do that and do it in a way that allows me to experience freedom within myself, but also to ensure that my partner knows exactly what is happening with me and for me during this process. I need to be consistent in my behavior and can accomplish this by checking in with myself regularly, creating that space and slowing down. Ending an upset by apologizing, just to end the argument or to relieve tension is no solution. It doesn’t address the core issues and if they go unaddressed then you will experience the same upset again in the future. Sure, maybe it will be a different trigger or situation that causes the upset, but the underlying issue will persist. You will go from arguing to okay and the back again, but guess what… Being okay is not thriving in the relationship, it is surviving. That is no place to be in a meaningful relationship. If you are both committed to a thriving relationship, then you owe it to each other to address this in this healthy manner, to check-in with yourselves, and to come at the conversation from a place of understanding each other and willingness to work through it to get to a better place. No, you won’t always get it right, but the commitment is there and you can both discuss it knowing this and letting the love through.

Each resolution of these issues will start to create harmony in your lives, harmony in your relationship, and a beautiful ability to move forward into a beautiful future together. This all will translate into harmony in the world.

Lastly, get out of the patterns that we all have been living in. Patterns of needing to be seen, being in the ego, needing to be right, applying pressure to our partner, and the pattern of not being able to let shit go. I know, for myself, I can be rigid, harsh and stuck in a mindset because I feel threatened. It is the difference between being activated and not regulated and it comes from the past traumas of my life. I can help the little boy within me feel safe within me; my partner is not my enemy and is not a threat, she loves me and cares for me and wants the best for me (as I do for her). When my inner little boy is reactive, I can also clearly see her inner little girl being reactive because she feels threatened. It is our duty to stop and to not be further reactive, which only escalates the situation. This holds true for each partner… you must be aware of these things to prevent a small little bullshit issue from becoming a big issue. If either of us fail, then it will spiral out of control and neither partner wants that.

So, to sum it up… be aware of what you are feeling, check-in with yourself, don’t be reactive, don’t be activated, be regulated and respond in a healthy way. If you missed that step and things have escalated, STOP… Then start a new and healthy conversation, know that you both are committed to a thriving relationship, and speak to each other from a place of love.

This is the life I choose to live, the way I choose to show up and the partner I choose to be. I am certain that it is the way my partner would choose as well.

That is all I have for today. I hope that helped you as much reading it, as it helped me to write it. The realizations gained from imparting this information are mind blowing. Now for the hard part… daily implementation 😉