Friday!!!

September 9, 2022

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Friday night is always a bit difficult for me since my partner and I separated. This was the night that I would wait anxiously for all week, the night I would see her beautiful face, the night I would gaze deep into her big brown eyes, the night I would get to deeply connect with her and hold her close all night. I look back at those times fondly and know that if given the chance, I would do it all so differently.

Since that is not happening right now, I choose to spend my time working on myself in different ways, making sure that I am taking care of myself and improving all the time. I have zero interest in entertaining the idea of meeting someone that would take her place or fill any kind of void that she has left. I choose to live by the same agreements we had established when we were in the relationship because I certainly would never want to do anything that would cause her doubt in my intentions. Nor would I want anything to get in the way of what I desire the most. Not to mention, this time is to work on ourselves.

So, my Friday night is my reflection time. I look at my week, see if there are places I can still improve, determine if I am reaching my goals and living up to my potential (basically not taking steps backwards). This week I have made a lot of progress, really focused on myself and can feel a difference. I have a had a few setbacks, but 2 steps forward and 1 step back is still progress.

I went to the rooftop to meditate under the big beautiful moon, with the intention of being more in touch with my inner-self. After a beautiful guided meditation, I layed there staring at the sky, watching the clouds and thinking about how life looks now, with my new perspective, the tools I have and the skills I am developing. To be honest, it looks amazing. I also spent some time getting in touch with the feelings I was having, then thinking about the reasons for those feelings. This helps me understand where they come from, which allows me to acknowledge the feelings, accept them, and let them go. Awareness is the key 🗝️.

When I was done on the rooftop, I made my way down to the kitchen, made myself a delicious passion fruit water and headed up to my bedroom. Now it was my time to pamper myself a bit. Took my shower, shaved, took a second to look on the mirror, felt good about what I saw (working on my positive self-image) and found a great podcast by Stefanos Sifandos to listen to. His content really speaks to me as he has faced many of the same issues that I have and has become a better man through it all. I lit a pleasant smelling candle and focused on my breathing and getting in touch with myself.

So, now I sit here with a activated charcoal rejuvenation mask on my face, recording my thoughts and writing this blog entry... Yes, the big, muscular, tattooed, long haired biker is laying on his bed pampering himself like a teenage girl... Don't judge me 😉

The point of all this is that I am taking care of myself in ways that I was neglecting previously. To be complete, one must have everything in order... Physical, mental, spiritual. I go to the gym again regularly, I have been working on my mental and spiritual wellbeing daily, and I am enjoying my journey.

Sure, maybe the activated charcoal rejuvenation mask was a step too far, but it felt good to take care of myself in ways that I hadn't really thought of previously.

Would I prefer to be downtown with my partner, having an amazing dinner at our special restaurant, at our special table (table 14), then go to our favorite bar to have a whiskey or two or three, visit with friends or just get lost in each other as we so often would.... Absofuckinlutely!!! But that is not an option right now. I will also add this... If it does become an option in the future, I will still plan on taking time like this to care for myself as I did tonight, as I expect her to do the same.

As I notice that it is time to take off my mask, I realize how symbolic it is. As I discussed in a previous blog, the persona, as defined by Carl Jung, pertains to the mask that we wear to show the world as we protect our inner-self. The mask that I have been wearing for so many years is coming off, just as this mask comes off tonight. No longer will I hide the real me and be ashamed of the feelings I feel. I can live in authenticity and integrity, and know that I can express how I truly feel knowing that space will be held for me. This was something that my partner provided but I didn't understand that at the time. She held space for me always, but I was too preoccupied with worrying about masking my feelings and feeling shame, that I didn't realize the beautiful gift she was giving me. These things CAN be discussed and not just pushed down deeper and deeper. What an amazing way to live... I hope to get the opportunity to be truly present to that in the future, and better... To give her the opportunity as well, to hold space for her and make her feel safe in every way.

By the way... My skin feels amazing and I feel pretty handsome right now. 😉 😉