Shadow work - part 1

August 27, 2022

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Today was a really tough day. Spending the day learning about my shadow self has caused me to look deep inside to see what I wasn't able to, or willing to see previously. I'm not going to beat around the bush with today's post.

I had very difficult time finding the things that have happened in the past have created the persona that I live with today. Persona is a term coined by Carl Jung. He defines our collective unconscious with eight different architypes: self, shadow, anima, animus, persona, hero, wise, old man, and trickster. The persona pertains to the mask that we wear to show the world while we protect our inner selves. I have spent years ignoring my inner self, I did not want to see what was hiding in the shadows.

Today I realized what has been in the shadows... actually, I always knew what was there, I just chose to ignore it. No longer will I do that. My shadow work has shown me that the reason that I act the way I do, the reason that I have the helper mentality and always try to be the nice guy is because I have a fear that I am not good enough the way I am. That if I were to not adapt to others, not give up my power and frame, then people wouldn't like me and they wouldn't want me in their lives. This stems from my inner child always having to make new friends and be likable. I couldn't be me, I had to be a version that others would like and accept.

This not only stole my identity, but it became my identity. My shadow consists of self-doubt, insecurity, jealousy and possessiveness; causing me to be controlling, untrusting, anxious, depressed, and self-sabotaging. It was quite the revelation to find where these feelings and behaviors originated.

Not everything is a result of childhood trauma, some is but other things happen as we get older that cause these feelings. So instead at looking at this as a result of my inner-child, I choose to look at it as my inner-self.

I confronted my inner self today during some radical self-acceptance. I envisioned my shadow self in front of me. I didn't run away like I have been trying to for all these years, I told my shadow self that I was taught it was NOT OK to not feel him inside of me.

I recognized my shadow self. Imagined it right in front of me and looked dead in the eyes and said… You have issues. You are jealous, possessive, controlling, untrusting, insecure and manipulative... but you are fundamental part of me. I am no longer going to run away from you and I accept you with open arms. By accepting you, I recognize these feelings and can work through them. I will not bury them, be ashamed of them or ignore them. I will bring them into the light so that I can move beyond them and no longer let them have power over my life.

I recognize all of these aspects of myself even though I am not happy that they are there. I understand that they are there and have been created for a reason. They were there to protect me, but that no longer serves me. There is no place in my life for feelings such as these and they manifest themselves in my life when I should be focused more on being present, accepting, free and loving.

With a greater understanding of shadow work, my inner-self and gaining the ability to recognize these things, I have realized that I have not been able to live an authentic life. I would hide the way I was feeling so that I would be more likable and accepted. It is understood now, that to live an authentic life, I must acknowledge what was in my shadow, accept it for why it is there and no longer let it influence my behavior.

I see what was in my shadow clearly now and in time, with enough light shed upon them, they will no longer control portions of my life.

Everyone is insecure about something and gets depressed sometimes or gets angry when they think the shouldn't. The only difference between me and the people that don't let these things come out in such nasty ways is that they fully accept both the positive and negative aspects of human nature, and thus become whole with oneself.

This is my ultimate goal and I am working on it daily.

A great quote that I heard today is, "Monsters don't sleep under your bed, but they do sleep inside of your head."

-Author Unknown