Something a little different

September 10, 2022

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I realize that my posts have been a little deep lately and thought it is time for just a simple post about where I'm at in my journey: emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

There are things I haven't revealed in my previous posts that may be surprising but they need to be said so that you can fully understand what my journey entails.

I have been married for 23, but struggling for at least 5 of those. More than that if I'm being completely honest. She knew about and was accepting of the situation with my partner because she also has know for a while that it is over between her and I. Also, the relationship between my partner and I, actually began as a throuple between the 3 of us. That didn't work out for a multitude of reasons. When that was over, my partner and I still had an unbelievably strong connection, something that most people (including myself) only dream about.

So this week, we filed the paperwork to finalize the marriage and worked on all the necessary arrangements. It is a very heavy weight off of my shoulders and oddly feels good to have that done.

I have been sleeping in a separate room for a while and looking for a place to rent that is closer to town.

That was one large roadblock that felt good to move past. It, along with other things, had prevented me from fully being present with my partner.

As for my physical self, I am feeling good, working out regularly, building muscle, doing cardio and trying to do yoga... That is not pretty. I have a positive self-image and a little more confidence in my walk.

Spiritually, I have been making amazing progress to connecting with my higher self and raising my vibration. My energy is positive and I am very happy with my progress.

Mentally, I am focused... For the most part. Work has suffered a bit as I have been more focused on myself and improving the man that I am. I have been connecting with many wonderful people and working on my mental wellbeing through conversation and understanding.

Emotionally, well.... that is kind of a rollercoaster. I miss my partner more and more every day. The more I learn in my journey, the more I realize how incredible she was, how she showed up for me and held space, even though I didn't know what to do with that space. I also realize how I had failed her and myself in many ways. It's like the more I learn, the more I realize what I have lost. On the flip side, I have also learned amazing new skills, gained awareness and now feel as if I'm well on the way to being the person that could show up and support her in the way she did for me. Lately I have been wondering if she still thinks about me, misses me, and loves me. Then again, I know that she still loves me. The incredible love that we have shared will never go away.

I have also struggled with the reaction from my mother when I told her I was going to be moving out. My mother is 75 and amazing. I moved her here to live with us after my father passed. She was sad at first but once we discussed it, she understood and supports me. She also said that she misses my partner, the smile that she brought to my face and the obvious love that we shared. I have to admit, I agree with her.

Overall, I'm kickin' ass. I push forward daily, knowing that I have many good reasons to do what I'm doing, but most of all, for love. Love for myself, for an amazing life, love for the future I imagine, and yes the love I feel for my partner. I am determined and driven and won't stop ever growing.

I am proud of the work I have done and look forward to what tomorrow brings me. Asking myself every day, how can I be better today and making my "Today, I am" statements.

Today, I am stronger than the day before and tomorrow I will be even better.

I am more aware, I am more conscious, I am more complete.