Trust

September 12, 2022

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This simple word holds so much meaning, while at the same time it is so freaking simple.

I struggled with trust issues for years and years. Understanding now that these issues came from some core wounds from childhood, and were reinforced throughout my life through a series of unfortunate circumstances, has been quite eye opening.

The simplicity of trust, just means that you believe what a person says… you can believe that their words and actions are in alignment. Due to my own issues, I always had doubts about what and who I could trust. I don’t believe in blindly trusting anyone, but once that trust is earned, it should be recognized and honored and returned. This is where I would fall short. It had been my experience that people that you let close to you, hurt you through lies and deceit. So, with this mindset, I marched forward through life being suspicious, wondering what I didn’t know, and waiting to find out that something horrible. This was a terrible way to live life. It caused anxiety, controlling behavior, suspicion, and doubt. It wasn’t until I met my partner that I learned what it is like to trust someone. She knew all about my trust issues and would do everything she could to let me know that I was safe with her. Granted, sometimes I would fall back into familiar patterns, but that was my shit, not hers. She is the first person that I have truly felt that I could trust, valuing honesty and integrity over anything else. We made agreements in the relationship that in hindsight, were completely unnecessary. We agreed that we would be monogamous, that we wouldn't go out and get altered (party a little too much) without the other, and that we would always be honest with each other. I know that these agreements were made for me to feel better and feel more secure. Just knowing the person that she is and the way that she showed up in the relationship said all of these things. To this day, I still honor those agreements because I respect myself and the work that I am doing. If there is a possibility that she and I will reconnect, I want to be seen as someone that is trustworthy and has lived in a way that shows respect for myself and for her.

Here is where trust gets expanded a bit. Trust is not just believing what a person tells you, but it is believing in that person completely. Believing that their actions will honor you and the relationship, that they will call you on your bullshit for the betterment of the relationship (not to make you feel bad), that they will love you for who you are and not for what you provide, that they always hold space for you, that they will do their best to show up for you, that they can take care of themselves, and that they will be there for you when you need them the most. This is where trust also allows you to be present. Trust means that you don't need to bring events from the past into the present or worry about what will happen in the future. You can trust that everything is perfect and that old wounds won't be reopened now or in the future.

Sure, trust is a simple word, but the meaning behind having someone that you trust is so much greater.

Having trust in relationship is the key.

In relationship, I wanted my partner to trust me fully and I asked her to do so. She was not able to fully trust me because she saw where I was failing. Of course, I always honored her and the relationship, I was faithful, I would hold true to my word, and I would never lie or deceive her. Where she could not fully trust me were areas that I didn’t really know much about, such as holding space for her. She couldn’t trust that I would just be there to allow her to feel her feelings and not try to help fix it or be judgmental. She couldn’t trust that I would always show up for her consistently. So, when I would ask her to trust me fully, she couldn’t… and I understand that now. I didn’t know how to hold space; I was a fixer and a people pleaser. If she would be feeling upset because of something going on at work, I would always listen. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t just acknowledge her feelings and let her process them… I would jump right in and offer advice, see if I could help her fix the issue, or compare it to a situation in my life. That was not what she wanted and definitely not what she needed in the moment. If she were to ask for my input, that is a different story, but she didn’t. That’s an easy example of where I failed. If I look deeper and see how that failure reached into more critical areas of the relationship, it is a bit painful to accept how I was showing up. From what I have been learning, the awareness I have gained and the growing that I have been doing, it is easy to see how I could have handled things in a more healthy and supportive manner. I know that she felt as if she was neglecting important friendships, needing to recharge, and take time to feed her soul, but she couldn’t trust if I would hold space for her to express that, and couldn’t trust that I would show up for her in a supportive, non-judgmental and compassionate way.

I failed to be trustworthy and then asked her to trust me fully. I even got upset when she said she couldn’t. There was a lack of understanding on my part about the reasons that she could not trust me, but in my defense… I didn’t even know what those things meant. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Now, being aware of what I didn’t know and seeing the repercussions has driven me to learn more about it. I can honestly say I know what it means to hold space, I know what it means to show up and I can be trusted to do those things.

As I said before, trust is critical. It is faith, it is belief, it is conviction, it is confidence, it is reliability, it is strength, it is the key to independence in relationship.

If you have someone in your life that you can trust, honor them by being trustworthy in return.

There was one statement my partner would always make to let me know that I was safe and that I could trust her. If she were to go out without me, then she would always act as if I were watching. She told me this because she knew what happened in my past and wanted me to know that she would never do anything like that to me and she wanted me to know that she respects and honors herself, me, and the relationship. I don't know if I ever told her how much that meant to me, but it was extremally kind and compassionate of her. I never doubted her intentions and knew in my heart that I had nothing to fear. Even though we are not in the relationship right now, I choose to live my life today as if she were watching. I would want her to be happy with how I carry myself, how I continue to honor myself and her, and know that she is always on my mind and in my heart. Above all else, I am trustworthy.