Trying new things

August 27, 2022

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During this journey that I am on, I am looking to numerous ways of enhancing my growth. Some may work and others may just be cool experiences that I will have.

Last night I participated in a Cacao ceremony. The event showed up in my Facebook feed and I thought it might be interesting. I was a bit hesitant since I really didn't know anything about it. I had so many reasons to bail and not go: it was about an hour from my house, there was a storm coming, it started in 2 hours, I had to finish work, blah blah blah. Remembering that change doesn't just happen, I committed myself to making it to the ceremony. In all reality, the reasons I had to not attend were all bullshit. It was my fear of trying something new, stepping out of my comfort zone, and preferring staying in the stands as opposed to being on the field. A lesson I learned from a seminar that I attended with my partner a few months ago. You can either be a spectator in life (staying in the stands and cheering on those who are down on the field), or you can get off your ass, start living your life, participate and get results (getting on the field). Spectators don't achieve, players do.

So I buttoned everything up for the day, changed clothes, grabbed a granola bar and ran out the door. I didn't want to give myself any more time to change my mind.

As I was driving away from the house, I felt really good for taking the steps to change my life, for jumping on the field even if I didn't know what I was doing, and for being open to accept whatever possibilities this would present.

Upon arriving at the ceremony, I found the room was full of people. They all welcomed me warmly and guided me to a place to sit.

My nervousness was pretty much gone at this point... until they said that there would be mushrooms in the cacao. My heart started to race a bit. When my partner and I were together, we promised each other that we wouldn't get altered without the other person being present. This meant a lot to me because she would always provide me a safe place and if we had a rough time, we would have it together. This was an agreement we made for many reasons, but the most important was that we would never be in a position where we were altered and not safe... either of us. I choose to live in that same way today. She was always my guide when it came to things like that, since I was a bit of a prude.

I was assured by the guide that the amount of psilocybin in the cacao drink would not be felt and would be considered a light micro-dose. This made me feel a bit more at ease, so I calmed down and proceeded.

Now, something you should know about me is that I am a big, tattooed biker, bit of a country boy, and have always been a bit of a tough guy... you know the type. A year ago, I would have walked past an event like this and thought, "What a bunch of fuckin' hippies." It is amazing how changing your perspective can open a whole new world to you, while at the same time not changing who you are. Now I ride to a beach meditation on my Harley, walk up to the circle of beautiful people, sit down and join them. The looks on their faces when I walk up is still a bit funny to see, but once we all met, I get a chance to change their perspective a bit.

The ceremony began, we each took a cup that had a random message on it and returned to our seats. I looked at my message and it was beautiful. It simply said, "I love you". My eyes welled up a bit with tears as this was something that I really needed to hear.

We wrote two things down on pieces of paper, the first was what we want to release, the second is what we want to manifest. Writing what I wanted to release was simple... I want to release expectations. I am quickly learning that expectations create disappointments (something that my partner used to tell me all the time). I see that so clearly now as my life is changing. Expectations or hopes or wishes are all the same, when they don't happen, we are disappointed and it changes our energy completely. The best example I have for this is thinking about a kid around the holidays, they wished and hoped they would get the cool new "Green Machine" to ride up and down the street (I know, I am dating myself), when the day came to open presents and they say that big box all wrapped up neatly, they just knew that they were going to tear it open and find the Green Machine they were expecting. They tore into the package and saw a brand-new Big Wheel. Their face goes from excitement to sadness and disappointment. They expected a Green Machine! Without expectation, they would be thrilled with the Big Wheel, but the expectation prevented them from being happy in the moment, with the present they received.

Then it came to what I want to manifest. I always struggle with this one... I want so much and I want it all now, but I know that the journey is made up of steps, not leaps. So, I wrote that I wanted to be present in everything I do. To me, this means so many things but it all comes down to living life for the now, not for feelings from the past or plans for the future. Enjoying every moment that I get and not having any expectations of what will happen. It is clearer than ever that if I would have been present during our relationship, not having expectations, living for the moment, then it would have gone a long way to keeping the relationship healthy.

The person who was leading the ceremony guided us through honoring our ancestors, appreciating the cacao, and being grateful for the space and time that brought us together to celebrate.

We drank and burned our little pieces of paper.

As we all visited for a bit, we had an opportunity to talk about our intention and what we wanted to release. Previously, I have not been much of a sharer in events like this, but this is a new journey to a new me. I spoke up right away, told everyone what I wrote and thanked all of them for their positive energy, explaining that I was especially grateful to be in this ceremony at this time in my life.

As the ceremony moved forward, there was singing, chanting and dancing. I was so out of my comfort zone, it wasn't even funny. At the same time, I felt incredible. Feeling supported and loved and extremely grounded, I just turned loose. The music was felt in the center of my body, causing me to sway as I heard the beat. I was never altered, just relaxed and connected.

Once the ceremony came to an end, we all had an opportunity to talk to each other a bit. A very nice couple from the US introduced themselves and we had a very nice conversation. Unfortunately, they are heading home in a few days so I probably won't get an opportunity to see them again.

After leaving and getting back to my car, I laid back in the seat and sat with the feelings that I had just experienced. It felt good, I felt centered and I felt like I could truly let go of expectations and begin a life of being present. It was a beautiful feeling and a wonderful experience. I am really glad that I didn't talk myself out of it.