I am beautiful

September 11, 2022

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I have always had an issue with positive self-image. Being a little chubby as a child and getting teased and bullied definitely contributed to that. I also grew up with parents that always criticized those that didn't fit their image of attractive or physically appealing. That was always really weird, since they never had the "ideal" body either. Now in my journey, as I look inward, I am working on providing myself with that which I have not had in the past. The things that I would incorrectly look to others to provide. The validation that i couldn't provide myself.

It wasn't until recently that I began learning about the importance of self-confidence, self-love, self-worth, self-validation and self-assurance. These were not qualities that I possessed to the extent that I would have liked. I have been actively working on my self-confidence and have noticed incredible improvements. I have never been one to be arrogant, but having self-confidence feels good. This has also helped me with other aspects of how I see myself. Recently, I have been practicing self-love and positive self-talk.

My body image issues are disappearing as I feel more confident with how I look. My partner contributed greatly to this improvement. She would always tell me that I look amazing, that she loves my arms, chest, tattoos and everything else. I always felt amazing in her eyes. I believed it when she would say these things and I let them land. The best part was that these statements were unprompted, so it was authentic and came from her. When you have to ask, then the compliment doesn't carry the weight that was intended. That is when you are looking to others for words to make you feel good about yourself. These feelings should come from within, their words of encouragement should only strengthen what you already feel inside. If you justifiably aren't happy with how you look, then dedicate yourself to changing until you are, but know that you are beautiful.

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I have to tell a story that is really meaningful to me. Recently, I had some pretty major surgery to remove some agressive cancel from my forehead. I wasn't expecting the surgery to be as extensive as it was. They removed a 3 inch triangle of skin and muscle from my forehead, peeled my skin from my skull and pulled it from one side to the other before stitching me up. When I got out of surgery my partner was there for me and remained with me all night... Sleeping beside me and making sure that I was okay. That was probably the greatest expression of love, caring and compassion that I have ever experienced. When I became coherent, everything was explained to me, and pictures were shown to me. It looked horrible. I was so worried that she would find me hideous, although she has never been superficial like that. I just always wanted her to see me as beautiful inside and out. It was then that she looked at me as I was drugged up, bandaged, and probably drooling, and she said, "you're so handsome". That simple statement at that time meant the world to me. This was not something that I ever told her, but when I was feeling my ugliest, she made me feel beautiful. This was a statement that she repeated to me often. Every now and then, out of the corner of my eye, I would see her staring at me. I would look her direction and she would utter those words... "You're so handsome". She always made me feel handsome and I will forever be grateful for that and her words will remain with me forever.

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The results are measurable regarding my self-confidence and feeling of self-worth. Feeling better and better about myself each day and recognizing what amazing things I have to offer. I know that I am kind, loving, compassionate, caring, honest, and trustworthy. Now, I feel worthy of love and can accept it. With these transformations, I can see that I need less reassurance regarding these things. I feel handsome, lovable, worthy and confident, and I can provide and support these things from within. Trusting that my partner would always see me in a beautiful light as long as I can see myself that way first.

Don't get me wrong, it always feel incredible to hear that your handsome, have a great body, and that you are seen as beautiful, inside and out. Unprovoked validation is so much more meaningful because it is freely give , fully lands and reinforces how you already feel within. It feels amazing to feel that way all by yourself.