A hard start, but it turned into a great feeling

September 13, 2022

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As I was getting my day going, I realized that I have been a bit sadder but couldn't really understand the source of the emotion. Spending some time looking inward to understand this feeling, I saw all the great things pertaining to my growth and healing. I felt an overwhelming sense of pride that was not there before. Just recognizing that I was not allowing the feeling of sadness to control me, but instead searching for the reason, understanding it, and addressing it, was proof of the progress that I was making. That realization felt really good.

As I sat down to write about the progress and the feeling I was experiencing, I looked to put the date on the note I was writing and saw that today is our anniversary.

This immediately made me even more sad as all the visions of the amazing times that we spent together raced through my head, making me miss her even more. All I could picture was holding her at night and waking up with her in my arms.

I stopped what I was doing, took some deep breaths, and worked on changing my perspective. Trying to not look at what I have lost due to my actions or inactions, is very difficult. When you can see how you were not showing up in the relationship and how you were reacting to triggers in the worst way, it is hard not to think about all the times that you failed the person you love and yourself. It was then that I realized that I was falling back into a familiar pattern that didn’t serve me. I was missing what I had and the life that I had with the person that I love. This pattern of regret and shame for the way I was being, is not healthy.

This is when I decided that if I am going to live a life of gratitude, appreciation, awareness, love and joy, then I need to look at things differently. The way that I was being, was when I didn’t know any better. Not excusing my behavior or anything, just recognizing and accepting that there were things that I was doing that I didn’t even know about. I appreciate all the time that I got to spend with my partner, I am grateful for her love, her presence, and who she is. The love that I feel for her, will be with me forever. She is the catalyst that caused me to start this journey, find a better way to be, and become a person that can show up for those he loves. I still miss my time with her and I hope that someday we will be back in each other’s lives. Until then, I am so grateful for her for pointing me in the direction of this path.

I look at the goals that I have set for myself, I see myself reaching those goals and I see the reward in being a more complete version of myself.

When I was done grounding myself and feeling better about everything, I looked at things in a different light. I see that if I can make this much progress so far, then there are no limits to who I can become. There was something I learned in a seminar that talked about envisioning yourself in the future… 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 1 year, and so on. Putting on a special music playlist and sitting with my eyes closed, I looked at myself now, with the work that I have done. Then I looked to myself in future increments. The progress was incredible, the light that surrounds me in the future was bright and beautiful, and the level of love, joy, happiness, and awareness was off the charts. It was beautiful to see myself as someone that I am happy with and no longer feeling shame or regret.

Then I pictured things that I want to do in life as I move forward. I want to dance often and freely, travel (sometimes with no destination in mind), walk on the beach in the rain, go camping, have lots of meaningful moments, sing karaoke, take photos on adventures and have them in little frames around the house, have get togethers with friends, maybe get a piercing, go to Paris and have wine while gazing upon the Eifel tower, give more massages, express love, go fishing in a little mountain stream, go on motorcycle rides and stop in little towns, visit with interesting people, skydiving, grow spiritually, hot yoga, cooking, make love on the beach under the full moon, make love often, explore my partner in every sense, and again… dance. When I was picturing all of these things, I saw myself being happy and feeling truly free to experience them fully. I also saw my partner in each vision. She is the one I want to have all of those experiences with, she is the one who opened my eyes to a better life. I am so happy with who I am becoming and the awareness of myself and my feelings. She is the one that I still choose to share all of that with. Hopefully, one day, she will choose me too.

(I know this is a bit sappy and gooey, but cut me some slack… today is an anniversary that could have and should have happened if I would have realized all of this before.)