Surrendering

October 19, 2022

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Today in my hypnotherapy session, I learned a few things that are very interesting.

To start with, let me explain some feelings that I have been having lately. I have been having a constant fear of failing in the work that I'm doing. In that fear, I have concerns of letting myself, my partner and the relationship down. See, it is easy to fall back into familiar patterns as they were the way my life was lived, they were what I considered safe and stable. However, they were not the way I wanted to live and not healthy for myself, my partner, or the person I wanted to be.

Another fear that I have been experiencing is that of feeling free to express myself and my feelings. This fear is caused by my desire to not upset my partner or "rock the boat" and a concern that she might not hold space for me. All that is such a new concept for me and trusting the process can be difficult.

Both of these situations have a negative impact on my self-confidence and can cause self-doubt to become present.

The second thing that became prevalent for my discussion with the therapist, is that the attachment style difference between Paola and I can often show up in unexpected places. This is something we both need to recognize, be aware of, and show up differently for our partner. More on this in a moment.

Dealing with the fear of failure is difficult. This fear is self-instilled and comes from my desire to always succeed, as well as not wanting to disappoint anyone (including myself). It scares the shit out of me to think that I may fail and go back to being the same person I have always been. What I need to do is stop fearing the possibility of failure and start celebrating the success. What you recognize and celebrate will be more prevalent in your life. In a way, it's kind of like feeding the wrong wolf. If you missed that post, check it out here.

I have made unbelievable progress. I have succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. I have overcome mountains to be where I'm at now. I won't let a little stumble derail my journey. I continue to grow, succeed, learn, and yes... I take a step back now and then. These are not failures; they are learning opportunities. I trust I will learn from them, overcome them, and do better next time. If it is something that I need a little help with, I will ask for that help from whomever is best suited to do so. I feel very confident in this and my outlook on it.

Now for the attachment style rearing its ugly head.... Paola and I have opposing attachment styles; she is avoidant, while I am anxious. (There is more to that in my post about attachment styles)

During our time apart, we both did it own inner-work, both making incredible improvements, and are now able to show up in much healthier ways. Recently, there have been a few conversations where our attachment styles have escalated the discussion to an issue. This was not an issue for a while, but as we both have been not dedicating enough time to continuing our work, it has crept back in a bit. I have recognized myself leaning in a bit more, reaching for a resolution or for reassurance. I have also recognized times where she pulls back, disconnects and even pushes me away. This is not healthy for us, nor does it have any place in our space.

A great example of this was when I recently reached out and asked for help, something I rarely do and have never felt comfortable with. I needed assistance with what I felt was very important and when I received reassurance that all would be okay and that help would be provided when there was time, I didn't let it land. My feeling of panic in regards to this certain situation prevented me from recognizing the kind of help she was able and willing to offer. Because it would t land, she then pulled back completely and disconnected from me and the situation. This, of course, caused the anxious attachment to kick into overdrive, as her avoidant was ever prevalent. This is known as the anxious/avoidant trap. It is where one attachment style causes the other to become hyperactive and then they just feed off of each other. We failed to communicate in a healthy way, we allowed ourselves to get pulled into the trap and it caused a small issue to escalate. Neither of us were aware at the time and this can be a pretty major roadblock if it goes unattended.

We need to both be better about being aware of this and doing everything possible to prevent it from happening. This takes awareness and effort on both sides.

So, what does this all have to do with the title of the blog, Surrendering?

Well, let me tell you.... I need to surrender my need to control, give in to the uncertainty and allow the magic to happen. Surrendering to the process, allowing space to be held and trusting that we are there for each other is paramount to a healthy relationship. I choose to surrender myself to the fact that, while not every day is a giant leap forward, I am still growing and progressing on my journey. A small set back is just that... It is small when looking at the amount of progress that has been made. I am not failing, I am learning.

Thomas Edison tried over 1,000 times to invent the lightbulb. He didn’t see each one as failure, he saw it as 1,000 ways to NOT invent a light bulb. He got feedback on each of those tries and learned from them. In this journey, there is only feedback, not failure. I consider my setbacks learning opportunities, chances for me to see how not to do things, and will use them to benefit me as I journey on.

I am grateful to have a partner that truly sees me, that chooses me every day, and trusts that I will be successful in my journey. She stands beside me every step of the way and catches me if I fall. I couldn't ask for a better partner and every day strive to be a better partner to her, as well.